Formats for Exploration: Systemic and Attachment Narrative Frameworks

2 June 2025

Rudi Dallos and Arlene Vetere

CONTENTS:

Exploring patterns of comforting
Walking around in difficult moments – systemic tracking of attachment conflicts, attachment injuries and dilemmas
Exploring attachment narratives through the family genogram
Corrective and replicative scripts
Scaffolding conversations about feelings and attachments
Sculpting Attachment Connections
Exploring communication
Exploring sharing feelings – Communicating attachment needs
Exploring Discipline and Attachment Frameworks
Internalised other interviewing
Exploring parents’ attachment to the child
Reflecting team discussion: attachment narratives
Structured reflective conversations
Attachment injury and repair
Exploring Internal Working Models: Self vs Illness
Circle of Security
Transitions, Partings and Separations

EXPLORING PATTERNS OF COMFORTING

The following questions can be employed in the middle of therapeutic work with individuals, couples or families, once trust has been established. In the case of couples and families, the conversation is with one person while others listen. For some people remembering these incidents can be difficult and poignant and thus they may need reassurance. In some cases the questions may need to become more hypothetical, for example - What do you imagine happened? What would you have liked to have happened? How do you think you might have felt if you had been comforted, had been held, supported and so on. The questions can then move to become more integrative for example, regarding what has been learnt from the experiences, what sense has been made of the events and also to the present in terms of the relevance to current relationships, why they think their parents acted as they did, their hopes for the future and for the future of their children, and so on.

With younger children the exploration can include the use of drawing, toys and puppets to demonstrate how comfort was or could be given.

When you were upset or frightened as a child – what happened?

How did you get to feel better? Who helped you to feel better? How did they do this?

How do you imagine it might have felt to have been comforted? How could this have been done for you? How does it feel thinking about this now?

What have you learnt about comforting and being comforted in your childhood ?

How do people comfort each other in your own family/ relationship?

What do you want to do the same or differently now in your own family, with your children, with your partner ?

How do you comfort your children?

How do they comfort you?

What do you want your children to learn from you about comforting, and for their future relationships?

TRACKING PATTERNS of INTERACTIONS

Family members may experience a variety of dilemmas and contradictions in their attachment needs, such as unresolved hurts, conflicting demands and split loyalties. A frequent one is for children of separated parents who continue to be in conflict. For the child to maintain an attachment to both parents may put them into the invidious position of feeling they have to be disloyal to one parent or both. Though the focus is on identifying problematic relational sequences it can be helpful to start with a positive example, or where they have been able to avert an escalation. This offers a more solution focussed orientation and can be less threatening, especially, e.g. to a child who may be the focus of the problematic sequence.

Identify a key difficult pattern – explore the feelings, thoughts, intentions and actions at, for example, the outburst of anger, conflict, criticism etc

Direct focus to the critical and difficult part of the pattern, for example the outburst of anger, conflict, criticism etc

Articulate (and validate) the experience in the pattern for each person separately, e.g. for both partners in the couple, or for family members, etc. (This does not mean validating violence, for example, for where violence is involved, people are held responsible and accountable)

Identify the feelings, thoughts and actions at the critical moment in the episode (attachment triggers and attachment injuries, resonances)

Draw the pattern (visually, on a sheet of paper, can also use objects to depict family members) in terms of a ‘circularity’ – a sequence of actions and reactions in the family

Therapist supports the other partner/family members in listening and staying responsive, (with couples reverse the experience before inviting them to turn to each other)

Identify core attachment dilemmas, conflicts, contradictions, e.g. child trying to stay attached to both separated and conflicting parents

Trace the underlying ‘internal working models’, beliefs about self, emotional needs, comfort etc

Explore the links between the attachment dilemmas and the internal working models.

Consider particular experiences of insults, shame, loss and humiliation – past attachment injuries etc that may also be a part of the ‘working model’

Consider how the dilemma may lead to various forms of symptomatic behaviours, for example, anger, dissociation, somaticizing

Enact how this sequence could be different, role play and reflection

EXPLORING ATTACHMENT NARRATIVES THROUGH THE FAMILY GENOGRAM

Draw up a three generational family genogram with the family. This can be conducted with the children present and requested to listen and participate. Children may be invited to draw the family tree on a large piece of paper and add drawings, colour etc. At times the children spontaneously make comments or ask questions but may also be invited to comment or elaborate on the questions. Map who is in the family: their roles, relationships, occupations, changes, losses, departures, migration, how people get on, patterns of closeness across the generations …Initial questions are directed to the parents but the children can be asked to comment about what they understand about the parents’ stories and for example, how it makes sense of how their parents are with each other and with them? Have they heard anything new today?

Some related areas of questions might include the following:

The emotional atmosphere in the parents’ family of origin -

How would you describe the emotional atmosphere in your family – warm, cold, distant ?
How physical and affectionate were your family members – what do you remember about touching, soothing, hugs and kisses ?
How was distress, pain, and sadness dealt with?

Exploring the nature of the parents attachments to the grandparents

How would you describe your relationship with your mother/father?
Who were you closest to, your mother or your father?
Did your closeness change as you grew older?
Can you give some examples of being close or distant?
The relationship between their parents (grandparents) - questions about the grandparents’ relationship can bring out stories about the parents’ childhood experiences and prompt a consideration of how their own children experience their relationship (mother and father)
How would you describe your parents’ relationship with each other – warm, distant, cold, passionate, conflictual?
What differences do you see between the relationships between mother’s parents vs father’s parents?
In what ways are either of your parents relationships similar to your own?
Influence on the parents’ relationship with their own children - questions which invite the parents to consider how their own experiences have consciously or sub-consciously influenced and shaped their relationships with their children.
How do you see your relationship (mother and father in turn) with your children?
How are you different with your children to how your parents were with you?
Do you think you are closer or more distant to your children than your parents were with you?

CORRECTIVE AND REPLICATIVE SCRIPTS

This utilises ideas from John Byng-Hall that families make comparisons across the generations in terms of similarities and differences between how our own parents were with each other and us (the children) and how this is repeated or altered in the next generation. This format can be incorporated into attachment narrative genogram work. Importantly it allows us to work in a positive frame with the family in that we can construe the intentions of the parents positively, i.e. they have tried to repeat what was good or correct what they felt was bad about their own experiences. This can then lead to a discussion of whether these attempts have been successful or not, and possibly how they might be altered, strengthened, elaborated etc.

What are your thoughts about how similar or different your relationship with each other and your children is to your parents’ (grandparents’) relationships ?

What have you tried to make similar or different to either of these relationships?

What do you value vs feel critical about in either of your parents’ relationships

Does what you have tried to repeat/change work? Is there anything that you want to alter, strengthen, acknowledge or abandon about what you have been trying to repeat or change?

How do you imagine your relationships could be similar or different to what you experienced in your childhood? What would help this to happen?

What are your hopes for your children’s future relationships? What do you hope they will learn from you?

SCAFFOLDING CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FEELINGS AND ATTACHMENTS

Forming narratives about our emotional and attachment experiences with others is a complex task that may require support from the therapist and from other family members. Family members, especially children, may require some support and encouragement from the therapist/s to be able to discuss difficult feelings and further to be able to organise and build these into coherent narratives that others can both follow and understand. Vygotsky (1986) has described children’s learning in terms of taking place within their Zone of Proximal Development. This is a range which is not too easy or familiar nor that is too difficult and unfamiliar. As an example, in helping a young infant to learn to walk we might scaffold their learning by placing the child one step away and encouraging them to come to us - perhaps at first just letting them fall safely in our arms. Once this is achieved we might place them two steps away and so on, gradually increasing the distance. Likewise, in conversations in therapy we may need to ask questions or make suggestions that are not too distant from the family’s understanding but neither too familiar to suggest little challenge or difference.

Conversations can be seen within such a scaffolding framework whereby we help family members to develop and build increasingly more complex, elaborated, reflective and integrative stories which may help them better to anticipate future events, and solve future problems. Scaffolding can be described as a series of steps (adapted from Hayward, 2006), and though these are listed below as a set of steps, they are not simply hierarchical and the order may vary with progression upwards and downwards during a session/s:

Naming feelings: A description of the problems or symptoms along with a request to identify and name the feelings that people are having, for example ‘ how does it feel to have anorexia as the problem in your family? For example, this might be a feeling of powerlessness or sadness in relation to the diagnosis of anorexia, or frustration and sense of loss in relation to the depression.

Considering alternative names and contrasts: An attempt to elaborate feelings ,e.g. ‘So do you think that what we had been discussing as anger is perhaps a bit more like …… frustration, loneliness, feeling overwhelmed, confused that he cannot get close to others and feels misunderstood? It can also involve considering feelings in terms of contrasts, for example that anger can be the other side of sadness, ‘Does anger sometimes turn into something else -, sadness, fear of loss, regret, doubt…?’

Exceptions or unique outcomes/feelings: A consideration of exceptions or ‘unique outcomes’ e.g. ‘I guess this may be difficult to do right now, since you are feeling desperate and upset …. but I wonder whether you might be able to remember a time when James was not angry in the morning before school, but relaxed, happy, cheerful…?’ or building on an exception offered by the family , e.g. that James can be quite sensitive rather than angry .

Standing in each other’s emotional shoes: Invitations to ‘stand in each other’s emotional shoes’, e.g. ‘ I know that this might be difficult for you to consider at the moment but I am wondering how do you think James sees things at the moment? ‘How do you think he feels….. angry with himself, frustrated that people don’t listen to him, worried about what is happening in the family, sad that his father has left….?’ We are offering a choice of emotional terms that family members can utilise, use as contrasts to select their preferred terms or to invite some new elaborations, e.g. ‘ You have said James can be quite sensitive, how do you think he feels about you seeing him as that sort of young man , son, person, and so on?

Integrating emotions and relationships: attempt to connect the feelings with relationships , e.g. ‘ How do you think James’ difficulties are influenced by how he is getting on with other people, family members?’, ‘Do you think he feels worse when he feels insecure or lonely?’, ‘ Do you think he acts differently if he feels he can be open with you about how he feels?’, ‘ What do you think others can do that helps him to feel better about himself?’, ‘ How does he respond when other people are upset or not getting on with each other?’

Future action and choice: Developing stories about self and identity leads to considerations of what implications these hold for making choices and future actions, e.g. ‘Looking back over the events so far what have you learnt from what has happened?’, ‘ What do you/ would you want to feel and do which is the same or different in the future?’ Discussion of how family members may be able to turn to each other for support, comfort and affection in the future paves the way for action e.g. ‘James – how do you think you may be able to ask for help when you need it?’ ‘ What reassurance or comfort do you think James might need from other people in the future to help him stay on track and become the sort of person he wants to be?’

SCULPTING ATTACHMENT CONNECTIONS

Sculpting can be a powerful way of illustrating family relationships, emotional closeness and distance, and feelings between family members. We can consider two variations on sculpting which perhaps can stimulate different effects:

Sculpting with the family members – in this the family position themselves with the therapist’s assistance in terms of their relationships by physically standing, leaning, crouching, touching, holding on to each other. Possibly this generates powerful emotional responses and may be particularly useful for families who are somewhat shut down in their emotional expression or who have difficulty in articulating feelings of closeness and distance in relationships. Being ‘inside’ the sculpt is harder for a family member to gain a conceptual view of their relationships and instead may produce a more immediate sense of what their own position feels like. The prompts here may be to help trigger feelings and awareness of attachments:
- ‘How does it feel to be at the centre, on the edge, between your parents ?’
- ‘Now that John and Phil are closer how does that make you feel?’
- ‘If you were to get closer to Peter what would that feel like?’
- ‘How do you think Mary feels being that distant from John?’

Sculpting with objects – buttons, coins, stones etc. Here family members pick an object to represent themselves and then they position the objects physically to map their relationships and to express their differences between each other, family patterns of closeness and distance, changes over time, e.g. before and after the start of the problems, transitions - family entrances and exits and so on. This version allows more of a ‘bird’s eye’ or reflective view in that family members can see the overall family patterns in the different sculpts and not just their own position a little more clearly. Possibly this is helpful for families who are more ore-occupied, fired up emotionally and may benefit from a more cognitive focus and distancing from their emotional connectedness. It is possible to photograph the object sculpts on mobile phones and compare and contrast them across meetings and across different points of view, and so on. The prompt questions may here focus more on understandings and cognitions:
- ‘What changes can you see in the family patterns through what has happened in the family? What patterns do you think will continue in the future? For example, what were relationships like before your grandmother died? Or after the baby was born? How would you like to be close to your children when they grow up? And so on.
- ‘How do you think John understands what its like for Peter to be between mum and dad?’ What would happen if Peter moved out of that position?
- ‘When Pete and Mary get close (or further apart) what happens to John’s relationship with them? ‘

EXPLORING COMMUNICATION

Communication between family members may be patterned in various ways in line with the family’s dominant attachment strategies:

Avoidant/dismissing family patterns - expression of feelings may be discouraged in a variety of implicit or even explicit ways..
Pre-occupied/anxious/ambivalent family patterns - may show escalating expressions of feelings, involving expressions of tears or anger.

The following questions invite consideration of communications in families and we may wish to adapt them when we use a particular question according to the style of family attachment patterns and the current emotional state of the family :

Talk about talk:

It can be helpful and containing for families and the therapeutic process to discuss how we should communicate in the session. This conversation can also reveal the family’s preferred style of communication and their attachment strategies and we can adjust how we communicate with them accordingly, for example gradually promoting more communication about feelings if they show a dismissing strategy as opposed to encouraging communication about when and why things happen for families where the style is very emotionally escalating.

The conversation can include questions, such as ‘ How will the therapist, family members know if someone is getting upset, agitated, angry?’ ‘What shall we do about this, stop, have a break, change the subject?’ ‘What happens at home, does someone get upset, leave, sulk, change the topic? Shall we do the same here?’ ‘What rules shall we set about talking? Take it in turns to talk? All talk together?’

Rules of conversation with the therapist:

Inviting reflection on the communication between the family and the therapist can implicitly raise thoughts about how feelings are detected and responded to in the family. For example, we can invite the family members to reflect with us on the following: ‘Can you tell me if the conversation is too difficult or upsetting for anyone? Who recognises this first? Who will tell me if I have ‘put my foot in it’ and asked something too upsetting? What shall we do if someone is becoming upset? Pause, ignore it, reflect on why it has happened etc. ‘How can the person who has become upset be comforted, reassured? Who will do this here? Who does it at home? etc.

Exploring the family’s communicational style:

This consists of exploring how open or closed the family style might be and also differences in the modes of communication:

As a family how would you describe your style of communicating; open, closed, argumentative, emotional, logical, immediate, bottle feelings up? How do people differ in their style of communication? Who is most – least expressive, likely to bottle things up, to be secretive, rational, and so on?
Has your communicational style changed? What causes it to change? How do you see it changing in the future?
How would you describe the modes of communication in your family? How much do people communicate through showing feelings, their posture, gestures, visually, through words and concepts, through stories?
Who is the most/least tactile, visual, sensory, logical, a story teller?
What ways of communicating do you think work best for you as a family? Showing your feelings? Being rational?
What ways do you solve problems as a family? Try to be calm and rational? Show your feelings? Argue and shout? Withdraw and let time sort things out?
What ways of communicating to try to solve problems do you think work most/least well? How do you think your style could improve? What difference might that make?

EXPLORING SHARING FEELINGS – Communicating Attachment needs

This consists of a mapping in terms of percentages (%) of how much each member of the family believes they can share their feelings, worries and concerns with each other as opposed to needing to keep these to themselves:

share 30% with

JOHN KATE (wife)

70% with

DAUGHTER

share 20% with

KATE

JOHN

share 80% with

DAUGHTER

The percentages and reasons for, and implications of, changes, are discussed:

Was this pattern always like this?

When did it change – how and why?

How would it be if these were different?

What are the ideal scores they would like to hold?

EXPLORING DISCIPLINE AND ATTACHMENT FRAMEWORKS

Families can be seen to consist of various relational systems. Two key ones are the attachment and discipline systems. Families generate and apply a shared framework about what behaviours count as requiring an attachment as opposed to a disciplining response.

Possible questions to prompt a discussion, elaboration, clarification might be:

How do you know if someone is needing comfort in the family?
How do you know when X is being naughty as opposed to upset?
What are the rules in the family about showing feelings and requesting comfort?
In your family do you mostly respond to each other in terms of discipline(what people have done ’wrong’) or attachment (considering their feelings)?
How do you know if someone is being deliberately difficult as opposed to upset and needing comfort?
Who in the family is most likely to see a behaviour as indicating being ‘upset’ as opposed to being ’bad’?
What is the difference between being excessively and appropriately demanding of affections, attachment ?
In your family of origin did your parents mostly respond to you in terms of discipline or attachment (considering your feelings)?
What is the difference between ‘attention’ and ‘attachment’ seeking behaviour ?

INTERNALISED OTHER INTERVIEW

This format draws from Object Relations Theory the idea that we contain within us a representation (object) of our key attachment figures. We can understand how they see the world including how we think they see us. This activity can help to clarify mutual misunderstanding in a couple (two parents, parent – child, professional – client etc.) and also foster the development of empathy and mentalisation, necessary fort effective problem solving in families.

It can be employed to promote therapeutic change and also to assist in supervision to facilitate better connection/empathy with a client, e.g. who we are struggling to understand, sympathise with etc.

Therapy

Take on the role of one of your parents (or a key attachment figure, AF)
Try to imagine how they would answer the following questions
In the interview try to become and talk like your parent or partner (AF)
Questions:
- How is your life at the moment, what is happening for you?
- How do you see yourself, what kind of a person do you think you are – your strengths and weaknesses, best/worst characteristics
- How do you feel your childhood has made you the person you are?
- How do you see X – the person being interviewed ? ,e.g. (so John is speaking as Mary and is asked, Mary, how do you see your son, John, what is he like as a son, how has he changed, and so on?)
- What do you think of X’s relationships, his/her choice of friends, partners etc etc ?
- What influence do you think you have had on X ?
- How do you think X sees you?

Supervision:

3 – People A, B and C

B - Think about the families you are working with currently- identify a person you find hard to understand, empathise with etc. Offer a scenario of the client - problems and family context

B - Try to speak as if you are that person
A interviews B as if they are the client (speaks to them calling them by client’s name)

A can ask C to suggest some further questions, A and C can reflect whilst B listens, and then B responds.

EXPLORING PARENTS’ ATTACHMENT TO THE CHILD

This material draws on the Parental Bonding Instrument (the PBI - Arietta Slade)

This can be an individual interview, with two parents and even with a child joining in:

Can you think of the last time that you and X ( Jenny) really ‘clicked’ - got on well. Can you describe it. Why did this go so well? What were you and Jenny thinking, feeling , doing?
Can you think of the last time that you and X ( Jenny) really ‘fell out’ got on badly . Can you describe it. Why did this not go so well? What were you and Jenny thinking, feeling , doing?
When was the first time that you and Jenny were separated? How did you feel to be away from her? How do you think she felt? What was it like when you got back together?
How would you describe your relationship with Jenny: Can you think of two words or phrases to describe this? Can you think of a particular memory, example from your life together that really captures this?
How has your relationship with Jenny changed so far? Why do you think this is the case? How do you think your relationship with Jenny will change in the future?
In what ways does Jenny fulfil some of your needs?
When last the last time you felt angry, irritated with her? Why was this the case? Do you think she realised your irritation/ anger? How do you know this?
Have you ever felt rejected by Jenny? Can you give an example. Why did you feel this? What do you think she was feeing?
How has becoming a parent to Jenny changed you as a person? Can you explain why? What aspects have most contributed to this?
What do you think Jenny has learnt from you so far?

REFLECTING TEAM DISCUSSION: ATTACHMENT NARRATIVES

These have the usual format of reflecting teams as outlined by Tom Andersen and others. However, they have the added focus of picking up on attachment themes and emotional processes in the family. This can include questions and reflections regarding current attachment processes, trans-generational patterns, patterns of comforting, attachment disruptions and ‘injuries’, future orientated conversations about how attachments may evolve and change in the future, and integrative conversations.

The orienting framework includes the following:

What appear to be the attachment needs of each family member ?

What appear to be the attachment/systemic patterns e.g. who cares for, looks after, comforts whom?

What appear to be the attachment styles, strategies in the family?

How have the attachments needs changed over time in the family?

What might need to happen for the family to feel more secure with each other?

How do they employ their attachment strategies in dealing with adversity, dangers?

How do their attachment strategies shape what they communicate about?

How do they experience the anxiety/ stress in the therapeutic setting?

Which of their attachment needs do they think it is appropriate to show in the therapy setting?

In what settings and with whom do they feel safe as a family?

A few examples of the kinds of questions and conversations that might be part of the team’s conversation are as follows:

I wonder how the parents feel they have been able to do things differently or the same as their parents did? What have they discovered from thinking about this? Has it helped them to think, act, feel differently?

If they were able to change how they comfort each other, what changes would they make? What could help this to happen? How might this change in the future?

How does the family feel about this (therapy situation) ? How has this changed? What helps them to be able to trust us and what gets in the way of that?

What have they discovered about the attachments patterns in the past? Do they think history needs to repeat itself? What could help to alter history repeating itself?

Looking back over the events in past how do they think it has made them the family that they are?

In what ways will the children do things differently in the future? Will they want their family, when and if they have one, to be more cuddly? More independent and self-sufficient? And so on

ATTACHMENT INJURY (from the work of Susan Johnson)

An attachment injury is conceptualised as a betrayal of trust or an emotional abandonment at a crucial moment of need e.g. a high need for reassurance. It is like a form of relationship trauma – and defines the relationship as insecure (you weren’t there for me!). This constitutes an impasse in the recovery/repair process in the relationship. The attachment significance is key, not the content as such. The only way out is through… acknowledgement, listening, appreciation, recovery and apology (Johnson, 2008).

Steps in the Resolution of an Attachment Injury in the context of a trusting secure relationship with the therapist:

Help the person articulate the ‘injury’ and its impact….
Explore why they concluded - Never again!!
Other partner is helped to acknowledge hurt partner’s distress, & elaborates on development of the event/s
Hurt partner connects narrative (cognition) & emotion, & attachment issues
Other owns responsibility, expresses regret while staying attuned & connected
Hurt partner asks for comfort
Other responds
Relationship redefined as a safe haven – new narrative of healing co-created

14. STRUCTURED REFLECTIVE CONVERSATION

The aim here is to help family members or a couple to be able to listen to each other without interruptions or patterns of accusation, counter-accusation and blaming. It can be used where couples fear exposing their vulnerability because of a history of mutual blaming, and like the activity above, only in the context of an established and trusting therapeutic relationship. It has the advantage of initially being less intense than the re-enactment described in the activity above.

For a couple there are two therapists in the room. One of the therapists sits with one of the partners, usually in a same gender pairing. The other therapist has a conversation with the other partner. The conversation can, for example, be structured around a trans-generational interview, exploring patterns of comfort or instances of attachment breakdown or injury. Following this conversation, usually between five to fifteen minutes, the other therapist and partner have a conversation on the same themes. Following this each partner reflects (with the help of the therapist if appropriate) on what they have heard. Finally, there is an open discussion on what has been triggered by the conversations.

Variations can be carried out with families, for example parents as one group and children as another, gender groupings, and so on .

Family or Couple
Co-therapists
Discuss with the family the potential value of a reflective conversation
Two sets of conversation: group A talk – B listens: Group B talks – A listens
Reflective conversation across the two groups

THERAPIST THERAPIST

conversation conversation

WIFE HUSBAND

Reflection

PARENTS CHILDREN

etc.

15.Exploring Internal Working Model: Self vs Illness

ADHD, autism…..

Me as ‘normal’ Me as ‘illness’: anorexia,

ADHD, autism….

This activity explores working models of the self and can be a helpful discussion with children, and with their parents observing and reflecting . The child’s sense of self may have become consumed by an ‘illness’ identity....’he has ADHD’ which may be fulfilling a function of helping the parents not to feel blamed or the child as causing problems by his behaviour. This activity can gently elaborate and consider a more balanced view of the child and explore how the proportion of normal and problem self varies according to different situations, for example, at school vs at home and how this relates to feelings and attachment needs:

Exploratory Questions:

How much do you think of you is ‘normal’ behaviour and feelings, and how much is the problem?
Is it like the drawing that most of you is the problem/s? Can you draw how much?
What parts of you are ‘normal’ and what is the problem? Head, hands, feet, feelings, brain?
Do different amounts change, for example at school is more of you the problem/s, or at home, with your friends?.
How does how much of you is the problem change in terms of how you are feelings?
What helps to reduce how much of you feels like the problems?
Do things that mum and dad do help the problem part to be les or more?

16. Circle of Security

17.Transitions, Partings and Separations

This format connects with the concept of the family life cycle and adds the idea that transitions involve significant changes in attachment relationships. One of the focal points of attachment theory has been on separation which connects for example, with child starting school, leaving home, ending of relationships, divorce and loss.

The following questions are an illustration and can be used as an individual, couple or family conversation:

What have been some of the most significant changes/transitions in your family?
How did people prepare for these? Wait until they happened? Discuss them in advance? Worry about them and so on
What have been some of the most significant separations in your life, couple relationship, family?
What was the first time you were separated from your parents, partner, children?
How were you prepared for the separation? Was it discussed with who?
How did you feel during the separation? How did your partner, parents.. etc feel
What communication was there between you when you separated, how frequently what did you talk about?
When people have died in your family how was this prepared for? Not discussed, discussed openly….
What have you learnt from your experience of separations? What do you want to do similarly differently to what has happened in the past?

Sources

Dallos, R. (2005) Attachment Narrative Therapy. Maidenhead: OU Press

Dallos, R. and Vetere, A. (2009) Systemic therapy and Attachment Narratives: Applications in a range of clinical settings. London: Routledge

Dallos, R. and Vetere, A. (2010) Emotions, Attachments and Systems. Context, 107, 8-10

Vetere, A. and Dallos, R. (2008) Systemic therapy and attachment narratives. Journal of Family Therapy, 30, 374-385

Crittenden, P., Dallos, R. , Landinin, A and Koslowska, ( 2014) Attachment and Family Therapy. Maidenhead: McGraw Hill

Dallos, R., & Vetere, A. (2011). Systems theory, family attachments and processes of triangulation: does the concept of triangulation offer a useful bridge? Journal of Family Therapy, 34(2), 117-137

Dallos, R. and Vetere, A. (2014) Systemic therapy and attachment narratives: Attachment Narrative Therapy. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 19, 494-502 DOI: 10.1177/1359104514550556

Vetere, A. and Dallos, R (2013) Our Use of Action Techniques in Attachment Narrative Therapy, Context, 126, 17-19.

Vetere, A. (2014) Alcohol misuse, attachment dilemmas, and triangles of interaction: A systemic approach to practice. In R. Gill (Ed) Addictions from an Attachment Perspective: Do broken bonds and early trauma lead to addictive behaviours? London: Karnac

References

Bruner, J (1990) Act of Meaning. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Hayward, M. (2006) Using a scaffolding distance map with a young man and his family’. Int. J. of Narrative Therapy and Community Work, 1: 39 – 51

Hill, J., Wren, B., Alderton, J., Burck, C., Kennedy, E., Senior, R., Aslam, N., & Broydon, N. (2011). The application of a domains-based analysis to family processes: implications for assessment and therapy. Journal of Family Therapy, DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-6427.2011.00568.x

Burnham, John (2000) “Internalized Other Interviewing: Evaluating and EnchancingEmpathy”, in Clinical Psychology Forum, Volume 140, p. 16-20, (published by theBritish Psychological Society, Special Edition - Working with Adults and Children.)

Johnson S (2004) Creating Connection: The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy (2nd ed) New York: Brunner Routledge

Tomm, K., Hoyt, M., and Madigan, S. (1998) “Honoring our Internalized Others and the Ethics of Caring: A conversation with Karl Tomm.” Chapter in The Handbook of Constructive Therapies, edited by Michael Hoyt, p. 198-218, (republished in Interviews with Brief Therapy Experts, Brunner-Rutledge, Philadelphia, p. 245-264, 2001)

Vygotsky, L. (1986) Thought and Language, Cambridge Mass: The MIT Press

White, M. (2006) Narrative Practice with families with children: externalising conversations revisited. In White, M. and Morgan, A. Narrative Therapy with Children and their Families, Adelaide: Dulwich Centre Publications